Today is the day you probably gonna die...

Today is the day you probably gonna die.

I hate that. 

I hate everything about that. 

I hate waiting for awful news. 

I hate that I found out about it only when i messaged you and got another girl on the other side of the line. 

I hate that I can’t be with you. 

Hate that I am so fucking far away it would take me over 24 hours to get there. 

Hate that I can’t just leave everything and go.

I hate that I know I should let it go. Should let you go. And I can’t. I can’t. I thought I was ready. I thought that all of our talks about it helped me to accept it, but I can’t.

It’s selfish, so stupidly selfish, but I want you to be by my side. I want us to grow old together. Want to call you on video phone in thirty, forty, sixty years (though we both know I’d rather die than turn eighty five.)

I want you to come to the UK, so that I can show you the city I met for the first time when I was fourteen and the one I ended up living near. I want to come to your home town (after the enormous amount of bickering and arguing and me rolling my eyes at the idea (mostly for show, but also because you would definitely indulge me)).

I want you to find love. And I know, you loved before. But I want you to find the person who deserves you. Who will love you with the same intensity, the same unapologetic power you love people.

I want you to become a great lawyer. Though you already are. But I want you to become known for what you do. Want people to known how great of a lawyer you are, want them to know how much you care and how much you can help.

I want to see your kids. I bet they gonna be as great as you are. But I also want to see you become a father, because you’ll be great at that. You’ll be perfect.

I want to hear your jokes. Yeah, yeah, even the dirty ones. Because you’re so good at them. And because I remember the time when I was the master of them between us two. When did it change? When did it all change?

I think this is my roundabout way of telling you that I love you. And that I want to see you grow old and live a happy life. But also… that you’re a very precious person to me. I once called you my soulmate, and here is no way I’m taking that back. Because you are. I don’t think I will ever meet anyone like you. But most importantly, I don’t want to meet anyone like you. Because it would make you not unique. And you are. Here is no-one even remotely as kind, as understanding, as accepting and as great as you are. You are my friend, my brother, my role model, my very best advisor and quite possible the only person I will love as much. 

I am so, so thankful I met you. I am so happy that you, being your stubborn you, decided to stick around. I am so happy that you saw in me what I saw in you. I just hope that I made it worthwhile. That I gave you back at least half of the support and understanding that you gave me. That I made you feel as understood as you made me feel. That… that I made you feel as loved as I felt.

I wish we could switch placed. I wish I could take your place. And I know you would’ve hated that I think this way, but I really wish I cared. I would take your place without thinking twice about it, even if you threatened to kill me yourself. Because you had all chances at being happy. You deserved those chances. And I… I think I will never be. Happy, that is. I never feel happy anyway. And I always hoped I’ll die young so that I won’t need to deal with growing old. Stupid thing to say probably, but it’s kinda true. I don’t think I am wired properly for this life. You are, though. So, I would switch places with you in a blink of an eye. 

I love you.

I love you so much. 

I would’ve said that you have no idea, but you probably do. So… just give me that. Give me that reality in which we grow old together.

I hate that it's not up to you. Because I know you would’ve.

And I’m so sorry you can’t.